It’s a lot of fun when you’re being hit with ENFP stressors, which trigger your anxiety, and your anxiety starts dancing in a loopy, upward spiral with your psychological baggage, and you start to think you’re too crazy and/or emotional for the Real World.
Yep, good times!
A little over a week ago, I woke up feeling well-rested and eager to meet the day, only to get smacked with a heavy dose of anxiety as soon as I thought about checking Facebook and Twitter, my two main social websites. The thought of reading comments on my Facebook posts–which are all friends-only, so the only comments come from people I know and trust–and reading replies on Twitter–which can come from anyone, since my account is public–as well as seeing what other people were posting, it all filled me with anxious dread. So I made a snap decision and posted on both sites that I was taking an indefinite hiatus, possibly never to return, but possibly coming back at some point, and gave contact info if people wanted to get a hold of me and keep in touch. (I also decided to keep posting to Instagram and Snapchat, since those sites take very little energy and give me zero anxiety.) I also continued to post daily on both of my blogs (this one and the other one) and invited people to comment on my posts.
Here’s how my hiatus has gone: (more…)
Here’s a fun thing about generalized anxiety: you can’t be sure if a specific thing you’re upset about is the thing that triggered your anxiety or if you’re upset about that specific thing because of your anxiety, which wasn’t triggered by anything in particular. Good times!
I’m coming off of a multi-day run of generalized anxiety. When I’m in the throes of it, I feel like crying for no reason at all. When the anxiety has finally eased off, I feel like crying out of relief. At least I’m not uncomfortable with crying!
Let’s kick off the new year with another self-check on my mental and physical health, shall we?
Short answer: I’m doing quite well.
Longer answer…is much longer: (more…)
Today is World Mental Health Day. Since this blog is all about my journey and adventures in dealing with my mental health, I thought I’d write a short post to say:
Hi! My name is Josh. I’ve lived with mental illness since at least high school. I experienced my first panic attack (which I didn’t recognize as such at the time) when I was a senior in high school, but looking back, I was probably dealing with depression and anxiety for longer. But I wasn’t formally diagnosed until much later, in my 30s. I was first diagnosed with generalized anxiety and depression and started on an anti-depressant. A few years later, I realized I needed someone to talk to and help me deal with my wonky brain. After seeing a couple of therapists who weren’t a good fit for me, I found a brilliant therapist, got diagnosed with cyclothymia, and was started on a mood stabilizer. I recently went off my anti-depressant, but have continued with my mood stabilizer, as well as an anti-anxiety med. I stopped seeing my therapist last year after we both decided I’d gotten from her what I wanted and needed. She gave me a hug and we’ve kept in touch since. I still use what she taught me, along with various things I’ve picked up from manuals, self help books, and friends.
What I really want to say is this: if you’re struggling with your mental health, it’s okay, it’s nothing to be ashamed of, and you’re not alone. If you need medication to help keep your brain chemistry from being a mean motherfucker, it’s not weak to admit that and it’s not weak to take them. It’s no different from a diabetic needing insulin or someone with high cholesterol needing to take a statin (this is also me). If you need to talk to someone who won’t judge you for your brain chemistry and the assorted psychological issues that we develop from trying to live with wonky brain chemistry, someone who will help you develop tools and techniques for living, it’s not weak to admit that and it’s not weak to see a psychiatrist, psychologist, therapist, or other qualified counselor. Mental illness will often lie to you, telling you that you’re alone, that no one wants to help you, that you’re beyond help. These are lies. You are valued, useful, and deserving of love and care. There may even be aspects of your mental illness that are strengths, features not bugs. I’ve come to see aspects of my mental weirdness as superpowers, not weaknesses. Being different doesn’t have to mean being broken.
If you need help, get help. If you need a friend, I’m here for you. None of us can get through this life alone.
