Category : ruminations

In the Grey

TIL the term “Sensualarian” and discovered that it best sums up how I feel about relationships. I also realized that I don’t like the word itself and would never want to label myself with it. It sounds clumsy and icky to me.

From the wiki: “Sensualarian refers to someone who ‘blurs’ the lines between the types of relationships (romantic, platonic, sensual, sexual, etc). They do not fall into ‘official’ relationship categories, such as boyfriend/girlfriend, friends with benefits, fiancé/fiancée, spouse, etc. These relationship titles may feel too constricting for these individuals as they feel that their partner(s) provide more or less than just what is typically seen in any given relationship category.”

Labels are great when they work for you, not so much when they don’t. I’m finding it more and more uncomfortable to apply labels to my relationships, besides the broadest terms (that person is a friend, that person is one of my best friends), and applying labels to myself that express my orientation towards relationships. Which isn’t to dismiss my earlier posts in which I defined my relationships to certain people, just that…as long as there’s openness and honesty in my relationships that are intimate in some way, I don’t really care to define or label my relationships with the world at large. I’m getting to be more comfortable in the grey areas of relationships, finding binaries and labels increasingly ill-fitting.

3-25-2026 |

Nothing Lasts Forever

I broke my good day streak yesterday. I had a week of days where I woke up every morning feeling well rested and in a good mood, making it through the day with minimal anxiety, depression, and emotional dysregulation. It’s been a while since I had that many days in a row feeling consistently unburdened by neurodivergence and I was loving it. And then yesterday afternoon, I suddenly experienced an increase in anxiety and roller coastering emotions. I had an awful time sleeping last night and I’ve been struggling all day today with a noisy, difficult brain.

I have generalized anxiety and depression, clustered with the emotional dysregulation and stimulus sensitivity of ADHD. It’s literally impossible for me to know when or how I’ll suddenly be burdened with tension, unease, melancholy, hairtrigger fight-or-flight instincts, sweats, headaches, an upset stomach, etc etc etc. Even with medication, therapy, daily meditation, support from friends, I still have to deal with my brain just going unpleasantly wonky sometimes. So I decided recently that when I’m not feeling so off, when I’m feeling unburdened and light, I’m going to enjoy it for all its worth and do my best to spread that joy around.

Yesterday and today are a reminder that the good brain days don’t last, eventually I’m going to have the mental equivalent of throwing my back out. But the week before that was a reminder that the bad brain days don’t last either, and eventually I’ll feel much better. I feel sure that tomorrow will be, if not a great day, at least a better one than today. And I am so going to enjoy that.

4-02-2025 | 2

A Friend in Need

Christopher Reeve’s take on Superman is so important and what we need more of in the world. We don’t need strongarm vigilantes, we need friends to give us comfort and help. “America was founded on the virtues of a helping hand.” I know a lot of people who would disagree that this is the founding virtue of the US, including one of our two political parties. And it could be argued that even if Americans professes that, history shows the country rarely living up to that virtue. But it’s something Superman would say and honestly believe. And it’s something he would practice.

I don’t know anyone as physically powerful as Superman, but imagine being that kind of person, who believes giving a helping hand is such an important virtue. Imagine seeing people asking for help and instead of saying “But do you *really* need help? Or do you just feel entitled to get help? Or is this just a scam?” or “But is helping you the right thing to do? Shouldn’t you be helping yourself?” or “Okay, I’ll give you some help, but I’ll dictate how I help you”, instead of any of that, you simply ask “What can I do to help you?” and then do that to the best of your abilities. Instead of being a stern parental figure or an “ally”, instead of being judgmental or pedantic, imagine just being a friend.

“That’s what people really need most…you need a friend.” I miss you, Christopher Reeve.

7-24-2020 |

Book of Dreams

I’ve read that one way to trigger lucid dreaming is to look at something printed because writing is always unreadable in dreams, unless you take control of the dream. Look at the writing, see it as blurry, fuzzy letters or unknown symbols, realize it’s a dream, take control and make the writing focused. Now, I’ve never had success with lucid dreaming. As soon as I realize I’m in a dream, I wake up. (This sometimes makes me worried that at times when I feel like I’m awake, moving through the waking world, something strange will happen, I’ll realize I’m in a dream, and I’ll be instantly pulled out of this reality–or what feels like reality.) But I distinctly remember a dream I had last night where I was reading from a number of books. The text was very distinct and I could even remember bits of it when I woke up from the dream in the middle of the night. Of course it’s all gone now from my head now, except for some vague impressions and images that remain. I think I was reading RPG books, looking up different rules. I think I was also writing notes about the rules in a notebook.

I definitely wasn’t lucid dreaming. I didn’t know I was in a dream until I woke from it. I didn’t think to take control of the dream and alter it to suit my whims. Which makes me wonder if the lore about illegible text in dreams is true. And it makes me wonder exactly how I can tell that typing this blog post isn’t a dream. Does it even matter? Dream or not-dream, at least I’m not being chased by monsters. Not right now, anyway.

3-04-2020 |

Nothing New or Noteworthy

For quite a while this blog has mostly been poems. Poetry has been the easiest, most natural way I’ve been expressing myself. Until a few months ago when I stopped writing it altogether. Not forever and ever, just…I haven’t felt the necessity to write poems. I just realized there are two reasons why.

One, all writing is practice, and I was practicing poetry BUT I didn’t feel like I was getting BETTER (whatever “better” is) at it. I’ve been doing the same thing over and over without trying anything new or different, without pushing myself, without moving from the spot I was in.

Related to that, I just haven’t had anything to say with poetry. Nothing new, at least. Just saying the same things over and over. That’s as boring for me as it is for anyone reading what I write. Probably even more boring for me.

I’ll probably have something new to say and something new to try with poetry at some point. Until then, I’ll let my mind wander, take stuff in, let it all dance around in my head, and wait for something to say.

7-03-2019 |

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