My Waffle
Just as I said in previous posts that the term “best friend” understated my relationships with two important people in my life and my learning of the term “queerplatonic relationship” opened up my understanding of those relationships, I’ve long thought that the term “girlfriend” understates the relationship between my romantic partner Natali and me, but I’ve struggled to explain how and why. And then I recently learned of a term that is new to me (and relatively new to the lexicon of relationships in general) which helped illuminate things.
Natali and I live about 9 hours (by car) away from each other, and our lives are busy enough that it’s very difficult for us to spend time together in person. We text and send voice messages at least a few times a day, we have phone dates and other virtual dates, but we also lead our own lives, independent of each other but intertwined. It’s not like any other romantic relationship I’ve had. Whether we’re being actively, intentionally romantic or defining ourselves as platonic friends, we still talk to each other in the same shmoopy, flirtatious language, we’re always there for each other with the emotional support, but we also give each other space (physically and emotionally) to be our own people, and we both allow for the possibility that our relationship might change in some significant ways, while always remaining the same at the core. Looking back on the many years we’ve known each other, and looking at the differences between when we consider ourselves “girlfriend and boyfriend” or “platonic friends”, it turns out the differences are subtle and inconsistent. To other people, they may appear to be no different at all. Whenever I refer to her as my “girlfriend” or “romantic partner”, I feel like there’s an asterisk leading to a footnote that tries to explain how our relationship doesn’t map well to the traditional model of two people romantically involved. *
And then I came upon the term “wavership“, and just like when I discovered “queerplatonic“, things started to come together. Natali and I are, at base, two extremely close friends. We’re also romantic, but that part of the relationship can fluctuate for numerous reasons, while the essential emotional intimacy stays constant. To be fair, I think a lot of long-term romantic relationships waver and fluctuate like this, but they’re not typically acknowledged and recognized as such. And for me, still unpacking the asexual and aromantic parts of myself, it’s super helpful to have a term that better describes one of the very significant relationships in my life.
My favorite part of the explanation of waverships is this: “Someone in a wavership can be called anything, including partner, girl/boyfriend, datemate, etc. Terms specific to waverships include wavermate and waffle.” Natali and I are both huge Parks and Recreation fans, so calling each other “my waffle” hits right. She even introduced herself to some friends of mine as “Josh’s waffle” the other day and it tickled me. Here’s to the fluid fun of being in a wavership!
* This post basically is that footnote.
